Disconnect

I am starting to hate nights. Nights are when the emotions that you don't or do want to feel are at their peak, nights are when the feelings that you don't want to face are the most raw and painful, and nights are when you have all the time in the world that you don't want to think about what you are trying to hard to bury.

When someone says the word disconnect, you might think of different things depending on who you are. Heck, some might merely think of just electrical. But for me, the word disconnect hits some really deep notes within me. To further elaborate on my point I looked up the definition of this word:

1. To sever or interrupt the connection of or between; detach

2. To withdraw into one's private world

According to the definition, the act of disconnection usually has to come from both sides of a party or whatever else is being referred to. Not always, but often. So that gets me thinking about what I personally am doing on my own end to disconnect myself, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Maybe one side is severing or interrupting the connection that was there previously and detaching while the other side is, as a consequence of or not, withdrawing into one's private world.

Whatever side the scale is tipping to, it does not make the pain of disconnect any more bearable. Well, maybe it does-if the person withdrawing is wanting to withdraw for their own reasons. As for me, this word is so prominent because I am a person who thrives, flourishes and operates on connections with people. On knowing people well and intimately, maintaining friendships/relationships even through the thick and thin. I can be devastatingly relentless at times, which I have recently come to find might have the opposite effect and push people away from my efforts to deepen the level of our connection. I have come to realize that sometimes I just need to stop trying so hard, but where is that fine line? Where is the line between too much and too little? How much should I try and how much should I back off?

As I consider the power that the investment of friendships have over me, I realize the danger that I willingly put myself into every time I decide to get close to someone or let them get close to me. I have never been the type of person, or at least thought I never was the type of person, to refrain from close, intimate friendships or relationships because I was afraid of getting hurt if they ever changed their mind. I always said to myself that I could take it, I could get over it. But I guess you can't really assert proclamations like that until you have actually undergone an experience like so.

I do not regret or wish that I was not wired this way, one to put so much weight on the intimacy of friendships and connections with people...simply because that is how we were created. Christ is a relational being and we are created in His image. So naturally, whether we stifle it or not, we too are relational beings that crave connections and bonds with others. I have to say...that recently I have been pondering the idea of becoming one of those people that I have always frowned upon, those that withdraw and numb because they don't want to get hurt if they get too close. I always considered it so cowardly, why would you want to live that way? But turns out...it's easier to do than I thought. I do not plan on making it a habit of mine but I definitely could feel myself inching toward that vast wasteland of existence.

I also realized that disconnection taps into one of my greatest fears, which is being expendable and dispensable. Expendable by definition:

"considered to be not worth keeping or maintaining"

Tell me that is not the worst possible feeling a human being could experience. Oh, ya I used you up and can throw you by the wayside now, gotta go find something new and better. Or oh ya, I don't feel like this friendship is worth maintaing so I'm just gonna let it slowly fall to pieces till eventually it's a shell of the strong tower it used to be. You're not worth keeping in my life anyway. OUCH. Agony and misery to be sure.

And when someone has made up their mind about someone, there really is no changing any situation unless they themselves want to change it back or rebuild what was once there. No one can ever be the best that they can be all the time. We shouldn't have to worry about being dispensed if we aren't always the most exciting, the coolest, the most attractive. We mess up. They mess up. You work on it, you make it better than before. You DO NOT give up because you've found something better that doesn't take nearly as much work...YET. The hardest things are the most rewarding and valuable. That's what friends are for-they love you through anything, but not just love you...they accept you through anything.

Acceptance. Yet another intrinsic, innate human need that we are made for. And feeling anything but accepted, especially the opposite is another one of the most torturous experiences. Just as feeling accepted is one of the best possible feelings a human can experience. Just think about when you walk into a room of people, and a friend or someone of the like is happy to see you, greets you, asks you to sit with them-it's a wonderful, blissful feeling. Because it is what we were made for. Togetherness. Fellowship.

I don't like competitiveness. I have never been a competitive person-with the exception of dodgeball of course. So when I feel like I have to compete for the attention of my friend or compete for their friendship, I withdraw. So I guess the question now, after examining the reasons for withdrawal, is whether this withdrawal is healthy and good for me right now at this point in my life or not. Only time will tell. And prayer of course. Perhaps fasting. But always, always prayer.