Not In It For Fun Anymore

I am about to express my frustration upon hearing one too many times, "Why India?" or "Oh, it's not going to be very fun" or any questionable phrase along those lines. I know it will not be particularly fun. I am NOT GOING for a fun getaway. If I was I wouldn't choose to go to India. Everyone that I have talked with who grew up and lived in India or has been there before, does not choose or prefer to go back. "Why would you choose THERE to go, why would you want to go THERE?" they ask. I am just so tired of hearing it; nothing said or that can be said will affect how I feel about India or going. I know it is not Hawaii. I don't want to GO to a place like that or else I would be going there instead. God has distinctly called me to India at this point in my life and very possibly in the near future as well. I am done with convenience and comfortability all of the time. I've had 21 years of it and I am ready to break away-detach myself from this superficial culture entrenched in vanity, instant gratification, and selfish, futile pleasures. I understand that many of the people who have made remarks to this effect did not mean anything by it that I am touching on. I understand that some people who admonished me against this only have good intentions in mind. I know the poverty that I am going to see, as much as I can know of it. That is why I am going there! I know that the poverty there is incomparable to anything I have seen in my life up to this point and can only imagine the conditions from the little I have seen of it via pictures. All the more reason to unearth myself from my spoiled life here in California and go to those who were born into poverty without choice.

People think this is a phase. People think I'm ignorant to the reality there, and maybe I am. Isn't the only way to remedy that to actually go and expose myself? Who knows where God will lead after I go, maybe I won't end up staying long term in the future like I am hoping for right now. Maybe I will, even if I decide I don't want to after all. I only desire to be an empty vessel-HIS empty vessel fit for use and not fit to be put on a shelf. I DO NOT CARE if He sends me someplace that is unbearably hot and humid. I do not care if He calls me to someplace that is oppressed with unthinkable unsanitary conditions. I do. not. care. if He leads me to someplace that's "not fun". I'm not in this walk for fun anymore.

If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

1 Corinthians 12:26

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.

Mark 16:15

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

Acts 1:8

And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

Isaiah 58:10

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Isaiah 6:8

Encouragement to Endure

There's a place out there for us,

more than just a prayer or anything you've ever dreamed of.

So if you feel like giving up cause you don't fit in down here,

fear is crashing in, close your eyes and take my hand.

We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.

It's written in the stars that shine above,

a world where you and I belong, where faith and love will keep us strong,

exactly who we are is just enough

there's a place for us, there's a place for us.

When the water meets the sky,

where your heart is free and hope comes back to life,

when these broken hands are whole again,

well will find what we've been waiting for,

we were made for so much more

So hold on, now hold on,

there's a place for us

--Carrie Underwood

Lyrics Hit the Spot

It's alright

And I put myself in his hands

But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Love, or something ignites in my veins

And I pray it never fades in white houses

Maybe you were all faster than me

We gave each other up so easily

These silly little wounds will never mend

I feel so far from where I've been

So I go, and I will not be back here again

I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses

I lied, wrote my injuries all in the dust

In my heart is the five of us

In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me

What I gave is yours to keep

In white houses

Oh well,
In 5 years time we could be walking around a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
and there'll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
I'll put my hands over your eyes, but you'll peek through

And there'll be,
Sun Sun Sun,
All over our bodies,
and Sun Sun Sun,
All down our necks,
and there'll be,
Sun Sun Sun,
All over our faces,
and Sun Sun Sun.
So what the heck,

Coz' I'll be laughing at all your silly little jokes,
And we'll be laughing about how we used to smoke.
All those stupid little ciggarettes and drink stupid wine,
Cuz' it was what we needed to have a good time.

And it was,
Fun Fun Fun
When we were drinking
It was,
Fun Fun Fun
When we were drunk
And it was,
Fun Fun Fun
When we were laughing,
It was,
Fun Fun Fun,
Oh it was fun.

Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say I feel I no longer have to be James Dean,
and She'll say,
Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you.

and it will be
Love Love Love
All through our bodies
Love Love Love
All through our minds
and it'd be
Love love Love
All over her face
and Love Love Love
All over mine.

And though nearly all these moments are just in my head
I'll be thinking about them as I lie in bed
And I know that really it might not even come true
But in my mind I'm having a pretty good time with you.

Oh, in five years time
I might not know you,
In Five Years Time
We might not speak at all and
In Five Years Time
We might not get along
In Five Years Time
You might just prove me wrong.

Oh there'll be,
Love Love Love
Where ever you go

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

3685

My empty promises

Led to our demise

And I could never tell you how I really feel

And for that I eternally apologize

We were both selfish, but I think I was more

I would like to thank you, for showing me

A part of myself that I have never seen

Ya I was young and dumb but it still was fun

And I guess these things just tend to fall apart
And I hope you feel the same

My empty promises

My empty promises

Brought us to an end

I just hurt you and I never looked back

Now I have no logic to defend

I would like to thank you, for showing me

A part of the world that I have never seen

Ya I was young and dumb but it still was fun

I'm forever indebted to you

I hope you feel the same

You seem like such a big part

Of my life and my heart

But the truth is I found something new

And He easily towers over you

You seemed like such a big part

Of my life and my heart

But the truth is I found something new

And He easily towers over you

Proud "mmmmmm" er

Once again, another debatably profound realization this morning at Mosaic Church. Let me preface by shifting the attention to the people that always "mmmm" during prayer. They just always "mmm" period. That was a significant pet peeve of mine at one point in time. I would always asked my peeved self...."Why do they ALWAYS have to "MMMM" during prayer?" To say the least, I was annoyed. It would make me cringe every time it would happen and understandably I always heard it the most at church.

That said...I will just make a long story short. I am that person now. I am an "mmm" er. O my star. I promised myself I would never be "one of those." Now is the time to ask the question...well how did I get here? Why do I do this now? How did this happen? Why doesn't it make me irascible now? Alright that is more than "the" question, that is four questions. No matter. So today I was analyzing the reasonsssss...the reeeaasssoonnsss...Earth Wind & Fire moment, apologies. The reasons for this strange...phenomenon if you will, that I have transitioned into. It is simply a theory, but I have a theory upon my theory that it definitely could be a quite accurate theory.

I believe the explanation behind the "mmm" ing is a literal language of some sorts, of the Holy Spirit. I've noticed that every time I find myself in the "mmm" ing act, it is in response to:

1. a morsel of knowledge that someone has communicated that really hit home/a piece of information I really agree with or relate to

2. a genuine feeling of sympathy, emotion, vicariously feeling for/through someone else upon hearing something from or about them

3. All encompassing: a wordless amen, this including both number 1 & 2, whenever I just hear words that are literally sweet to my soul, like a massage of my spirit from the Spirit

These reasons naturally led me to assume that this form of "mmm" ing can most of the time be attributed directly to a communication of/from/by the Holy Spirit, manifesting Himself through our human bodies. This simple sound has always been characterized, more often than not, by a feel good sensation, a pleasurable feeling or emotion, a pleasing occurrence. Maybe it is just one of the many ways that the Spirit physically emanates His pleasure. If that is the case, what a PRIVILEGE to be the vessel that this favorable delight is being transfered through.

The funny thing is...I do not think about "mmm"ing. It just unpretentiously happens without "my permission", without my realization of it coming out until it has already...come out. I think it's safe to say that it is essentially an involuntary action. I have come to see it as a pleasure moan of the soul. As for the question of why this happens now and did not previously? The chords that strike this spiritual pressure point triggering the "mmm"'s did not used to be struck. The chords did not even used to exist. But now that my soul and spirit have finally adjusted and aligned with the only mold it was ever made to fit perfectly into, it delightfully responds to the words that it was always meant and created to absorb and feast upon.

"...but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

Romans 8:26

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

Proverbs 16:24

Why does God allow evil in the world?

Sometimes sporadic rants materialize while I am reading, thinking, drinking coffee, but most often while engaging in all 3 simultaneously. Today I was immersing myself in Jeremiah while consuming Brazil coffee when a ramble took root in my mind:

People ask, "If God is good/if there is a God, why does He allow evil things to happen in the world?" Yet they also proceed to inquire, "why would a good God send people to Hell?" I have to wonder whether the people asking these questions are informed of the fact that the people going to Hell, choose themselves to go there. God is a just God ("But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and JUST to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9) Just because it seems as though some people were/are ignorant of the information needed to make the decision for Heaven or Hell, does not mean that God hasn't/will not get to them. We cannot and do not see all of the evidences of God's working within the depths of people's hearts. We should not assume that it is not happening or being dealt with just because we are not witnessing it.

"This is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires ALL men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth." 1 Timothy 2:3-4

"because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. for since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened." Romans 1:19-21

There are those who rebuke the Old Testament for the many stories of God killing so many people. Another thing often not realized when taking these accounts into consideration, was the fact that the Old Testament was still under the time period of the Old Covenant-before the cross (New Covenant). Under the Old Covenant, death was the means that God employed to rid the world of the evil-the same evil that some are so adamant about accusing God of allowing in the world today. Some interrogate as to why bad things happen to "good" people or in this world in general, yet they also become angry if God interferes with their "personal" life and "their" freedom to live their life. So many do not realize that the "right to live their own life" because they've only got "one life to live" often is equated with a life of sin. Sin is evil. Yet when God contends with this evil in the lives of others, people do not like to be restricted. They do not want to live by a "set of rules". They want to do their own thing-while still persistently blaming & accusing God for allowing evil in the world. Oh, but they still want to keep on sinning though. Tell me-how does that even make sense? "God take care of the evil in the world, do something about it. But not my evil, just let me live my life the way I want to." People do not want God infringing on the rights to their own life. Alas, if only they knew that the life they think they own is not theirs. It never was, it never will be. They did not create their own life and they will not vanquish it either. Yet, so many of us (myself included) so often feel as though we are in charge of our own lives. We have it so wrong. For once, let's just let God be God.

I'd also like to add that I am not referring to the evils that do not come from conscious sinful motives, such as sickness and by extension death, natural disasters, and things of the like. These happen simply because we live in a fallen world. The fallen world also a result of the first human's sin. I personally do not believe that God imposes sickness, death, and natural disasters upon the world. He may allow them to happen, but He can and will bring good out of every situation. HE IS A GOOD GOD. "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, For His lovingkindness is everlasting." Psalm 107:1

"In giving yourself up, through the release of self, you'd meet with opportunity, wouldn't you?"

Evolution of Color

The progressive journey of my hurrs

HS Senior year

2008

2009

2010

2011

Carmel with blonde & copper streaks, turquoise panels

Give or take a few transitional box colors in between