A.M.

Upon recent observation, I have debunked the idea that I am not a morning person. There's just something alluring about mornings, about any early A.M. hours at that. This disclosure is of course, conditional at times, there are always exceptions based off of circumstances, company, and environment. But speaking in general terms in regards to the majority of the time, I will continue to feel the same about the wee hours of the A.M.

After ponderous reflection of the reasons why morning seems to enchant me so often, I came up with the following:

~My sense of humor and personality tends to be magnified in the morning, rendering enigmatic fits of laughter and giggles

~The fact that EVERY song seems to be the BEST SONG EVER in the hours of the morning after first waking

~The simple crisp, fresh, raw feel of the A.M., proof of a new day of life

~My husky morning voice that makes me feel....husky-burly. In the best possible way of course.

~Let's be real-pastries are the gods of the food world. The tasties & treats, the plethora of ambrosial goodies accompanied by the gem of the morning that is coffee.....there really is nothing better.

~And of course, the incandescent, dim, aurora lighting

Breath

For the first time in my life, I wake up mouthing Jesus' name. I go to bed whispering His name. I eat, sleep and breathe Him. Especially breathe. Lately I have noticed that if I go a little too long without digging into the Word or am having a particularly difficult time and retreat to the Word, I find myself taking a deep recovery breath as I eat up the words of Scripture. It's like a breath out of water, an inhale to catch my breath once again. Restoration via lungs via Scripture.

Never Have Lyrics Ever Been So Accurate In Regards To My Life

When we first met the well was dry

A long dark winter passed us by

With shooting stars and hopeful hearts our worlds collide

And so we rushed to fill each other in

Quick to feed our hungry hopes

A feast of our affections we were born anew

With open eyes we tried to make it work

And for a while the magic took

But cracks began to show as soon as things got hard

Like paper walls our feelings tore

We threw our backs against the door

Unwilling to bear witness to the other side

Oh, the games we play to hide the tangled dread inside

The fear that we are going nowhere fast

So we point the finger out, the anger gets so loud

It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow... what then?

I took a good hard look at how I loved

Years I squandered falling fast

For any boy who'd have me was so insecure

I'd lie awake alone at night

Full of loathing, compromised

And wondering how the hell did I end up like this

Oh, the tears of rage I cried, when nowhere could I find

An answer that made any kind of sense to me

I point the finger out, the anger gets so loud

It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow... what then?

Oh I wanna learn, I wanna know

Will our history crush us or can we let it go?

I'm not the girl I was but what have I become?

I'm not so willing anymore to bend

Still pleasing and conceding

But I'm not gonna lose myself again

Here I go again...back into your arms

What ever happened to resolve?

For though I thought that I was strong, that I could carry on

Awash in the illusion of this bliss

Here I go again...back into the flame

Like a moth so willing to be burned

A little touch a little taste the pheromones embrace

And I get weak with every breathe I take

'Cause it's you who released me

It's you who gave me fire

Oh and now it’s impossible to grow

Without breaking stride...I get so high

Take me out beyond the incline

Make it past the former fault line

For today I let the moment win

Here I go again...saying things I shouldn't say

Just so I can hear them back from you

Oh I know I shouldn't stay

I should be on my way

Back to a place I know is real

But the lines are getting blurred

My conscience wont be heard

Awash in the illusion of this bliss

And it's you who released me

It's you who gave me fire

Oh and now it’s impossible to grow

Without breaking stride...I get so high

Take me out beyond the incline

Make it past the former fault line

For today I let the moment win

--Sarah McLachlan

Transformation at a Glance

Dear 2010,

You were my best year yet.

Love Always, Alyssa

December, Shore Christmas Party

November, Old Soul fellowship

October, Consumed, Tahoe

September, Paramore, San Jose

August, Hillsong

July, Monterey

June, Bayside Bums

May, WJU Picnic Day

April, Baptism

March, Sara's birthday

February, Joe's dance

January, Girls Night

2011

My word of 2010 was transformation-and I knew it from the very beginning. I could tell that was going to be the key word of my year as soon as January 3rd 2010 hit; and transforming it was. 2010 emulated the progress of 5 years compacted into one single year. I think of those trash compactors that some people have in their houses. I have never grown spiritually, mentally, emotionally, in such little time as I have this past year. Sometimes disaster has to strike to get your priorities into gear. Last year at this time I had no goals. Last year at this time I had no boundaries. Last year at this time I had no ambition or self-control. I had nothing. So naturally, when even the nothingness of my existence was snatched from me (Thank GOD) it left me free falling out in the middle of a vacuous black hole. When this happens the rational inclination is to desperately grasp onto the one thing that you know is real and tangible. The only thing that you truly know is secure when everything that previously provided you security has gone astray.

To some outsiders that are unaware of the metamorphosis that my innards have undergone, it may appear as though not much has changed. But nothing could be farther from the truth. As I excogitate the response of my life to this transformation that delineates 2010, I found myself trying to extract a word that I might be able to designate towards 2011. Initially, I began by searching too hard. The word must have been right in front of me all along because it did not take long to surface and expose itself. It is one of the only words that can ensue transformation when the antipode of this word preceded the transformation:

Supernatural.

TRASH

May I introduce you to: the idolized women of our generation of young, moldable girls. These are their role models. Doesn't this just give you the most comforting feeling of security? .......

"I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf, while jacking off listening to Mozart"

"Have to get my way, yep. 24 hours a day cuz I'm hot like that. I go through guys like money flyin out the hands."

"I don't care where you live at, just turn around boy lemme hit that. Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick's at."

"I'm on a mission. And it involves some heavy touchin, yeah. You've indicated your interest, I'm educated in sex, yes and now I want it bad, want it bad"

I promised myself I'd never blog Taylor Swift lyrics

Long were the nights

When the days once revolved around you

Counting my footsteps,

Prayin’ the floor won’t fall through, again

My mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky and go back

And turn it to rain

And I lived in your chess game

But you changed the rules every day

Wonderin which version of you

I might get on the phone, tonight,

Well I stopped pickin’ up

And this song is to let you know why

Dear John,

I see it all now that you’re gone.

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with

The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

I shoulda known.

Well maybe it’s me

And my blind optimism to blame

Maybe its you and your sick need

To give love then take it away

And you’ll add my name

To your long list of traitors

Who don’t understand

And I’ll look back in regret

How I ignored when they said

Run as fast as you can

Dear John,

I see it all now it was wrong

Don’t you think nineteen’s too young

To be played by your dark twisted games

When I loved you so

I shoulda known

You are an expert at sorry

And keeping lines blurry

And never impressed by me

Acing your tests

All the girls that you run dry

Have tired lifeless eyes

Cuz you burned them out

But I took your matches

Before fire could catch me

So don’t look now

I’m shining like fireworks

Over your sad empty town

Oh woah oh

Dear John,

I see all it now that you’re gone

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with the girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

I see all it now that you’re gone

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with

The girl in the dress

Wrote you a song

You should’ve known

You shoulda known

Don’t you think I was too young

You shoulda known