Doesn't it sometimes seem like even though the times you've left behind you is for the better, you are actually living now, you are a totally different and better person, you have surrounded yourself with people that are indispensable and that are such a blessing to you, you are going somewhere with your life, you aren't slowly killing yourself; I can't help sometimes but think, feel, and wonder...were those times really better in some ways? "Better" in the sense that you enjoyed yourself more, you had better times, you felt more comfortable, secure, and accepted? Not in the "better for you" sense. Often, what is better FOR you is not what is the most enjoyable, comfortable, or accepting. When I think about the good times that I have now, they are good, fun and pleasurable on a WHOLE different level. It's crazy how enjoyment can take so many different forms-worlds of difference. I have just now come to the conclusion and realization that yes-I did enjoy most of my time more (on a different level) than I enjoy it now. Why? Because it is more difficult now. What requires the most work is often what yields the most reward. "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."
"Then He said to them all, 'If anyone would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" Luke 9:23
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
But when you actually think about it...for those of us that relish being the exception
(which followers of Christ are automatically called to), the rest of the world has discovered the easy and enjoyable way. The easy way is overdone, overrated, and cliche. Why not go against the grain-even if it means a little more discomfort in the short run for a lot more security in the long run?
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Matthew 7:13
"So that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe." Philippians 2:15
Of course you feel comfortable, accepted, and loved sometimes when you are a part of this world. If you follow the ways of the world and make yourself friends with it then you will often be taken in with open arms. This may seem to work-this may seem to last and you might be content.
"He chose to share the oppression of God's people instead of enjoying the fleeting pleasures of sin." Hebrews 11:25
"You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God." James 4:4
It may seem like a sweet deal once you've got your little place and spot reserved in the world with the people surrounding you that you know accept you "love you". And yes, you might have a sweet deal-until it's not so sweet anymore. And whether one is satisfied with their temporary surroundings and pleasures is all up to the individuals free will obviously. But as a daughter of the king, I must remember, every time I am thinking I have lost something valuable in giving up the old lifestyle, that I am not made for the temporary. I'm just passing through-I am wired with an eternal perspective. Yes, the things of this world are enjoyable and pleasurable. But we live for the GREATER pleasures that we do not yet see.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 22-24
"Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." James 4:14
Why do we live our lives here on Earth as though we are staying? Why do we desire to secure such a spot for ourselves in a world that is passing away so quickly?
"The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:17
This world has molded and shaped itself into the most intoxicating distortion like it and everyone in it thinks that they own the place. Oh man, everyone is in for the surprise of their life. The most unpleasant surprise that their Creator, through other people, have been attempting to communicate to them their whole residence so far on the Earth.
So ALL THAT to say that sometimes we get confused because the lifestyle that is supposed to be so much better for us, the right lifestyle, seems to pale in comparison to the pleasures that we used to indulge in. We need not be confused-this is the natural antipode of the world's grooves and His.
"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you...Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you." John 15:18-20
And it all comes together as to why I felt more accepted, loved, and that I belonged in my former ways of life. It is because I was part of the world. I belonged to the world-so naturally it accepted me and loved me as own of its own. Alas, that is not where I was meant to belong. "I belong to You." So next time I glance at photographs, hear music, and see lifestyles of the past that I used to belong to...I will take comfort in the fact that I am waiting for something greater. Something that I cannot yet see. I will have faith that our God gave us the capacity and the love for pleasure and enjoyment for a reason. The reason being that we are created for immeasurable pleasure far beyond the capabilities of this world, which is why we are never satisfied with the resources offered us here.
"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment." 1 Timothy 6:17
God is a man who loves to ravish. He ravishes with gifts, with love, with grace, with forgiveness, with thoughtfulness, with courtesy, with boldness, with wooing. Our God is the ultimate gentleman. He is not stingy.
"For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." Psalm 84:11
"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:11
"You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask." James 4:2
He is so good to me. He is so good to us. Let's put this into a human perspective. If there was a man that was all you had ever asked for and dreamed of that was persistent, consistent, and Heaven-bent on pursuing you...would you refuse His offer? No rational woman, or any human for that matter, would turn down that special treatment and spoiling. Which only shines more light on the fact that we are all irrational. Every single one of us. But He still pursues. He still romances. He still woos.
Those overwhelming and almost unbearable sensations and feelings of nostalgia, whimsical and wistful longing for what used to be ours? Those times that we hunger and crave our former ways and our past life when we seemed to fit so perfectly and feel so accepted like we belonged (which we did)? I believe those are completely RATIONAL thoughts and emotions because they are part of, if not the principle, consequences of our actions. And I can personally say...these consequences are more than enough to keep me from ever going down the roads I went down ever again. The intense mental and emotional torture that we undergo as a result of our former actions and lifestyles? I firmly believe that these are the consequences, well deserved, that we have to live with and overcome. The exact thing that our God tried to spare us from, all this pain, by warning us in His Word not to do it because He had OUR BEST INTEREST in mind. He wasn't trying to hold us back. He wasn't trying to deprive us. He was and is trying to spare us the decoy pleasures of this phony world through His Word. He knew we wouldn't listen. He knew we would come desperately running to Him, utterly exasperated from the infliction that we have brought upon ourselves. And He welcomes us back with open arms despite his omniscience. And people wonder why we're so gung ho about this God of ours.
Back to these never ending moving pictures of memories in this mind of mine. About a year now (WOW time is racing) I have struggled with waking up everyday, often from dreams (cruel reminders) that invade my mind without permission, with vivid pictures and anamnesis of the life that I want nothing more than to forget now. It was like I didn't have a choice in the matter, before I even gained consciousness it seemed they were already there in my head as soon as I woke up. I guess this completely makes sense...years of imprinting can only fare years (or close to it) of extracting. But this morning I woke up and realized that I had different things on my mind. Normal things. Healthy things. I don't know exactly how long this has been going on-I know, sounds a bit ridiculous that I haven't noticed what I have and have not been thinking about as I wake. But maybe this is a good thing and maybe this is the way that it happens. Maybe this is the way that healing happens. Slow and gradual shift of attention and priority.
A friend of mine once told me upon my asking her advice on how she erased the searing memories that used to haunt her, that God had completely erased all of the images that she did not want to remember. That it was all a blur to her now. Flabbergasted, I imploringly inquired as to what she prayed to allow this to happen. Her jarring answer blew me away. She said that she never asked God to erase them. It simply oozed out of her mind as she fell more and more in love with her God. I thought to myself...I can do that. I am already doing that anyway. And this morning was the first morning that I really realized it taking effect. I didn't even have to tell myself not to focus on my lucid nostalgic nightmares and memories. I didn't have to force my mind to shift its attention. I woke up and asked for the Holy Spirit to completely saturate my soul and churn my insides. I called upon the Holy Spirit's presence to initiate my day. I should probably interject the reality of the situation however-my friend confessed that it had been years since the event that had now become a blur to her, years for the painful memories to be smeared out of her remembrance. But I'm invested and prepared to hold on for however long I need to for His healing presence to do His work. What other choice do I have? And to clarify, I am not "falling in love with God" in order to spare myself the pain of these memories. That is a by-product yes, but I am falling in love with my First Love because I can't help but NOT to.
Originally, this blog was going in a completely different direction than it has turned out. My inceptive idea completely deviated to an entirely new train of thought. This usually happens as I blog. I start writing-words start flowing. GUSHING. I believe with this particular entry I was led by the Holy Spirit to pour out my heart and in the process encounter a breakthrough of my own that was fully unexpected. I always realize things when I am blogging-I end up picking apart my own brain, analyzing and coming to conclusions that needed to be unveiled to my own mind. Once you start churning, things are bound to get excavated.
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43: 18-19
