"Five Years Later"

(To a Former Lover from a Married Woman)

What can I say to you,

who loved the unknown bits and

pieces of me into being

and watched the fragments weave themselves into another

whole with no more room

for a divided love?

The warp and woof of my

existence lie now

in my own hands,

steadier and wiser with the

passage of my inner time,

knowing more now of what I

chose than when I chose it.

Yes, I would choose again

the same end, but in a

different way, not out of

desperation and the need

to cling to clarity, but out of

freedom and the need to find

my own soul's fabric

The beginning?

I would not change

a single breathless moment

nor do I fail to savor

all the sharpened memories of it

this hot July night.

--Maril Crabtree

No Detours

How can something so fruitless mean so much to me? How can something so arbitrary have such a profound impact on me? It is incredulous how in one split second your mind can actually go against everything that has made you a new person and given you a new hope. It's pathetic and abstruse how us humans can be so dubiously fickle and consider back tracking all of the progress that we have made because of one little temptation. But the enemy knows that to us, it is not just one little temptation. The deceiver knows all of our buttons and pushes them liberally for his own amusement and entertainment.

Why is it so difficult to not WANT all of the things that I used to want? Why won't my mind just keep up with the pace of my heart? Or is it the other way around......maybe my heart won't keep up with my mind. Why is it so easy to return to quondam lovers? Sometimes it seems as though all of the momentum, grace, and transformation that I've assiduously acquired and accepted this past year...shouldn't be diminishable by one defective decision. However, despite the fact that it is one defective decision...it would also be a purposeful decision-which makes all the difference. This New Years is going to be a hard one. Last new years was when everything changed. Now, after a year of radical transition, I can't believe it has been a whole year. It seems as though it was just a couple months ago.

I realize that this is all very ambiguous...and that there are lots of ellipses' and a lot of prattling. I just need to allow my fingers to assist my mind in puzzling the fragmented pieces together in my brain.

When it all comes down to it, the only thing I need to remember it to keep my eye on the prize.

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ." Philippians 3:14

I need to remember that everyday of my life, until the day of Redemption, will be a constant struggle, battle, and decision. Decision to choose to crucify my flesh daily, choose Christ daily, choose to bear my cross daily.

"Then He said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.' " Luke 9:23

"For one split second, she almost turned around but that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud. So she took another step, said I see the way out, and I'm gonna take it."

--Carrie Underwood

I just need to remember: NO DETOURS.

Fasting Focus

Whenever I fast...I tend to get quite legalistic about the actual practice of fasting, when that is not what it is about at all. The purpose of fasting collectively is to draw nearer to God and deny your flesh its earthly desires and cravings for a period of time in order to become more in tune with the Holy Spirit's voice. I am thankful that wise people such as my grandparents have helped me become aware of my tendency in this area so that from now on I can circumvent any legalistic inclinations. If you become so focused on the actual fasting rules and restrictions, you are actually taking the focus OFF of God and your fast becomes futile. I also might add that fasting is meant to be accompanied with fervent prayer. You substitute your meal times for additional prayer nourishment instead. Fasting is not so that we can get something out of God or see something happen, even if it seems a worthy cause or a legitimate request. Fasting is simply because we want to be WITH HIM. Do you think that your best friend, significant other or spouse would appreciate if you spent time with them because you just wanted something from them, and they knew it? Of course not. Likewise with our Best Friend, Father, Lover, Counselor, and the list goes on. He wants us to solely spend time with Him because we love to be with Him and in his Presence. I'm sure I'll learn so much more as I continue to fast throughout the years that He gives me. I started out a bit rocky, but I'm learning in Him; each day, each fast, one prayer at a time.

Day 3 of fasting

Day 3 of fasting

Today, a full day of fasting, was definitely not as trying as I was preparing myself for or expecting it to be. I surprisingly was not hungry much at all, I just slept a little more than usual. It's amazing how much and how often we eat when we really are not even hungry at all. After half of the day had passed, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I didn't even feel like eating at all-regardless of hunger issues. I was content doing other things. I also found that food is obviously a MAJOR distraction for me as far as doing the things that I need to get done that I do not want to do. All of a sudden I had all this time to do the things that I would rather not have done but needed to get done. I have no excuse this way, which I hate and relish all at the same time.

As I was reading through the next chapter (chapter 4) of my small group book "The Forgotten God" by Francis Chan...the Holy Spirit convicted the crap out of me-literally. I felt myself being bluntly called out on an issue that I THOUGHT I had under control and an issue that I didn't think needed much monitoring. But as always, God being God, threw me for a loop when I least expected it. In another sense, it was a complete answer to prayer because every time I prepare to spend time with Him I purposefully ask Him to convict me as He wills. And so He did. Praise God.

The issue that I was convicted of seems to be a simple, no-brainer type of concept. But apparently one of those concepts that, even though it is common knowledge, is rarely applied and put into practice. The truth that hit me was this: EVERYTHING. is for God's glory. NOTHING is about us. We've all heard it numerous times...but have you ever let it sink in? Have you ever let it anchor you? ITS GNARLY. The question that triggered this actualization in me was the disconcerting question, "Why do you want the Holy Spirit and His power?"

The inquisition completely took me aback. This is a question that you usually never ponder or contemplate. You just know that, if you are an active follower of Christ, you want the Holy Spirit and His power and movement in your life. But WHY? It could be a number of very legitimate reasons; it could be a number of very selfish reasons. But in the end...there is only one right answer-and for us humans, it is not the answer that meshes with our nature in the flesh. We should and need to be asking for the Holy Spirit's presence, movement, influence, and power in our life...so that HE CAN BE GLORIFIED. NOT US. NOT US. NOT US. Not MY will, but YOURS be done, Father. In order for this factuality to be applied, we must CRUCIFY OURSELVES. This truth is so against the grain in regards to everything that the world believes and sometimes we don't realize how much influence the world has instilled in us. Sometimes we don't even realize that we carry huge errors in Biblical doctrine that need adjusting until they are pruned and exposed.

"Our desire to live should be for the sake and glory of the God who puts us on this earth in the first place."

"The most obvious and stated purpose of these manifestations is for the good and edification of the church. The Spirit desires to use us when our hearts are aligned with this vision, when we are filled with genuine love for the church."

"The Holy Spirit works to glorify Christ, yet so many who emphasize the Holy Spirit seem to draw attention to themselves."

"A sure sign of the Holy Spirit's working is that Christ is magnified, not people." (WOW)

"When the Holy Spirit truly moves, God is the one praised."

"Let's pray that God would empower us so radically that we would get no glory." (AMEN)

"So with yourselves, since you are eager for manifestations of the Spirit, strive to excel in building up the church."

"Ask the Holy Spirit to empower us AS HE SEES FIT."

"He wants us to know that His gift of the Holy Spirit is really not for our own pleasure or purposes...the Spirit is here with us to accomplish God's purposes, not ours."

Continual process and theme of my life: Not my will, but Yours be done.

REAL men

For years now I have contemplated the question, "What constitutes a man? A REAL man?" The answer is obviously beyond everything physical-that is the worldly standard. I have always resolved the response to this question to be "undecided" in my mind. If I had to give an answer I would have said something along the lines of "a Christ-like, mature man".

As I was doing my devotions this morning, I was led to a verse in 1 Corinthians 16. As I was reading through, I began to grow distracted with it and almost flipped to another scripture passage. Then I hit verse 13-14 which reads, "Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." And there it is. Act like men-stand firm in the faith and do everything in love. There was my answer. And might I say, pretty close to the answer that I would have previously given in my state of eternal pondering.

Now just to clear things up, of course the definition of what it means to be a man will tremendously differ depending on who you ask. Obviously a man of the world will be the antithesis of a man of God by definition. But in my book and in God's book (the only One that matters), we can learn from 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (and many other scripture verses) what a REAL man is.

Side-note: It might also help to examine the conduct of the Man that lived on Earth for a short period of time who also happened to CREATE men. Just a thought.

I also thought it would be interesting to google "real man" and see what popped up. And interesting would probably be a degrading word for what I came upon. See if you can differentiate between the world's view of a man and God's view................

Caution: Prepare to be entertained, rendered speechless, and visually disturbed

This speaks for itself-no words needed

There is so much I could say to this-but won't.

He's BA. Obviously. I guess you have to be a macho man like Randy Savage to be a real man.

Can I get an AMEN?!

Is that even a man? Either way-this person goes in my cool book

NO. COMMENT.

Alright, we ALL knew Mr. Ford was going to make it onto Google's first page of "real man"

Satisfaction.com....................

1. Inappropriate. 2. Disturbing. 3. Hilarious and outrageous that this was the FIRST image on Google image-for "real man". So many things wrong with this picture. In so many ways. Clay Aiken.

Man praying

Alas, the answer to my initial question

Day 2

Day 2 of fasting

This morning was a little bit rough, especially before my math test. As soon as I started getting frustrated about being hungry, the Holy Spirit immediately popped images of the people in other countries who are bone with a thin layer of dermis draped over their bones. I remembered pictures of children and babies that I've seen who were dangling over their mother's arms barely conscious from lack of nourishment. Surprising, I felt a little better after that physically; more ached in spirit however. After class I went to the grocery store and bought fruits, veggies, whole wheat products, and nuts. It feels really good to put healthy food into my body. Not that I didn't put healthy substance into my body before. But when all you're eating are things that are pure and natural, you can't help but feel more cleansed. Don't get me wrong, I am sure to keep this fast spiritually focused-but the other benefits are rewarding as well. Limiting my food options is also forcing me to be more innovative and creative with the food that I prepare and consume. I usually do not prepare food whatsoever. Not good food at least. I am beginning to realize that I rather enjoy making food and cooking-as long as I get to eat it C;

As far as my prayer requests, one was answered last night unexpectedly. A past friend that ties were cut with welcomed me into her life again. Praise Jesus. Definitely an answer to restoration and healing of relationships and unity. That's what He does best. I can't wait to see what else He has in store for myself and others through this time of Spirit focus.

Day 1

Day 1 of fast

Due to a few key things taking root in my life, the lives around me, and some big decisions coming up soon, I have decided that it is time again to commence a fast. A friend of mine is doing it with me for some of the same collective reasons that we decided to begin it. There are areas that are in desperate need of the Holy Spirit's releasing power of the bondage and division that is arising. The enemy's grip needs to be loosened and his bitter fruit needs to be exposed. I fully look forward to and expect our Lord and His Spirit to do Their thing in this time of ultimate surrender to our earthly cravings.

The cycle that we are following is a week long and characterized by consecutive days of full and daniel fasting. Our first day today is a full fast. Tomorrow we will be doing the Daniel fast. The Daniel fast includes: fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, beans. It excludes all meat and animal products, sweeteners, dairy, leavened bread, processed and deep fried foods, and the like.

Sometime we do not realize how much time out of our day and life eating gobbles up. This morning as I woke up, I did not even get out of bed for a while-just prayed. The only reason to get up would be to venture into the kitchen for food. It is our natural instinct when we wake up. Going against the grain of the flesh is very refreshing and challenging. As I lay in bed just praying and basking in His presence, I realized how much time I am going to have for Him this week.